What's in a name?

Today I am going to talk about English names used by Chinese people.

To a man, his name is the sweetest sound on earth. It was chosen and given by his beloved parents. There is a Chinese saying - You don't need to worry even if you are born ugly, but you should be afraid of having a bad name. Now, what does a bad name mean? It means many things, amongst others, something that is difficult to pronounce, or something that is not auspicious, or something that rhymes with bad luck or vulgar words. Brad Pitt recently commented that his name rhymes with shit.


So, make sure that your name is not only the sweetest sound on earth to you, but also to anyone who hears it.  A random survey conducted in the US showed that people believe that a girl with a name like Grace or Geraldine would definitely look more beautiful that a girl with the name Gertrude, of course, without meeting up with any of those girls beforehand.

You can't have both

You can't imagine the amount of thought your parents put into just thinking of the best name for you. There are usually two considerations. They would like to choose a catchy name for you, at the same time the name must be very meaningful. It must stand for something important, such as your character, your destiny or some noble or righteous virtue. That is really quite a handful. At times it is quite impossible to have a meaningful name that sounds catchy at the same time. You can't have both. Parents trying to accomplish both fall into the classic trap of doing too much with too little. After all, it is just two words (for a Chinese name; the surname is fixed). They either end up having a splitting headache or compromising with a name that is meaningless and sounds awful. It results in the classic example found in Stephen Chow's movie, Kungfu, where the hero (none other than Stephen Chow himself) was saying, "Do you want me to whack him or do you want me to whack his mother? Please say it clearly; you're getting me very confused!"

Usually, and eventually, parents are forced to give up either one criteria. Many parents go for a meaningful name, thus sacrificing the catchy part. That is why at times, Chinese names can be quite a mouthful. Like Polish names, you may need two tongues and three sets of teeth.  Try this, Hneoh Pneah... famous, 150-year old biscuit in Penang.

Rhyme time is the prime time

I personally would sacrifice the "meaningful" part and go for something that is not so challenging for my child's friends to pronounce when he grows up. After all, it's just a name, something whereby another person can address you. The Chinese say, it's just something to call you by - 都是一句吧了. But I have so far not found anyone who agrees with me. To almost everyone, a name must stand for something; it must be meaningful. I beg to differ, although I have nothing against a name that is meaningful. I just can't accept a guy having a name that is challenging to pronounce, thus giving everyone a hard time just trying to call out to him.

My first criteria, therefore, is that a name must be pronounceable so that anyone can have no problem hollering out to him.

If the "meaningful" part can be incorporated after getting it pronounceable, great. It not, so be it.

The other consideration that parents should be careful of is that the name should not be easily converted into a bad word, especially in Chinese or Cantonese. Back in my school days, almost all my classmates have nicknames, thanks to a few very creative schoolmates. Of course, some of these nicknames are not so flattering. Some are outright vulgar and insulting. And, given the amount of imagination that young kids have, parents should take some care to avoid having their kids' names turned into something embarrassing. Can you imagine a harmless-sounding and meaningful name like Chee Wai (wisdom in Cantonese) being converted into Chee Bai (cunt) by our little geniuses in school?

OK, coming back to English names. Why do Chinese people have English names? Simply because English names are easier to remember and usually (but not always) easier to pronounce.

Now, what is the problem with English names? Again, it is the classic example of not knowing who to whack, the guy or the guy's mother. What do I mean by that? You see, as a Chinese, if you want to adopt an English name, by all means adopt an English name. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem with some people is that they want an English name but at the same time they want to preserve their Chinese identity. At other times, they would like to be unique by not having their name spelled the same way as another human being on this planet. Pardon me but I think that is stupidity of a higher degree, simply because you are making it very challenging for your friends/customers/anyone else on Planet Earth. Just spell your name the way that an English person normal spells it. What the heck - life is already difficult as it is; you don't need to make it more difficult for your friends.

To be fair, not only the Chinese do that. Even English people love to be unique. Just that I noticed the Chinese do that very often.


It hurts me to see my friends having names that are difficult.  I always feel they are shooting themselves in the foot, even though I think they are blissfully unaware and seriously think their name is wonderful.  I would actually suggest my friends with names below (real people, these are my friends) change their names.  Of course, most people would be horrified at that thought, but why not?  I changed mine.  You see, Andrew Chia is not my real name.  It's only my pen name which I conveniently adopted to be my real name.  My real name is not only difficult to pronounce but it sounds like a bad word.  I even changed my son's surname so that it doesn't sound so bad like mine.  Most people are shocked that I go to that extent (my son and I don't share the same English surname!), but I'm a Chinese, so the English spelling for my name is not really that important to me.  After all, in life there are two things that are important and the way to spell your name is not one of them.  The two things are, staying alive and staying healthy.  Everything else a bonus.


I still remember having this little conversation with my beloved mother when I was just a kid.  "Mom, I'll be ten years old next month.  I'm so happy."  "Don't be silly, Son, you're already eleven years old this month accordingly to our Lunar calendar."  "But I go to school and learned that I was born in xxxx year and according to the calendar used by everyone, I'm nine years old right now."  "OK, boy, always remember this; you are Chinese and we Chinese follow the Lunar calendar.  Ask yourself, are you Chinese or are you guailoh (Westerner)."


OK, here goes... (sorry again to my dear friends)

You : What is your name?

New Friend : Alycia Yap

You : Let me save your name on my handphone. That is A-L-I-C-I-A, is that right?

New Friend : No! It is A-L-Y-C-I-A

You : I'm sorry. (Quietly... What the fuck!)

You : What is your name?

New Friend : Sky Wong

You : OK, sky as in that something blue over our heads?

New Friend : Yes

You : (Quietly... OK, sun, moon, Sky, planet, fish pond... Fuck!)

You : What is your name?

New Friend : Angylia Yong

You : Angela?

New Friend : No! Angylia.

You : How do you spell that?

New Friend : A-N-G-Y-L-I-A

You : TLMKCH! (Cantonese bad word)

You : What is your name?

New Friend : Aeric Fong

You : Give me a minute; let me save that on my handphone. E-R-I-C    F-O-N-G.

New Friend : No! It's A-E-R-I-C

You : KNNCCB! (Hokkien bad word)

You : What's your name?

New Friend : Eling Choong

You : Ok, Elaine, I'll call you tomorrow.

New Friend : No, not Elaine. It's Eling.

You : What kind of English name is that?

New Friend : Sorry, it's not an English name. It's my Chinese name.

You : Tiew.......... (I mean I want to tiew your mother for giving you a Chinese name that sounds like English.)

SMS : Hi, my name is Heaven Chia and I'm from CIMB property loans division. Pls call me if you need the best housing loan rates and highest valuation for your property.

You : Great! Heaven, sun, moon, sky, hell, WTF.

(You reply the message: "Hi Heaven, can you tell me whether I should address you as Mr or Ms?" I'm cunt-fused.)

New Friend : My name is Janicce Tan. Please text me if you need any assistance, ok?

(The next day...)

You : Hi Janice, can I buy some cream from you?

New Friend : Sorry, Jack, my cream is sold out. BTW, my name is Janicce, not Janice.

You : OK, you go and shiok sendiri la.........

New Friend : Hi, my English name is Marice Wee

You : How do you spell that?

New Friend : M-A-R-I-C-E

You : Wow! You've got a nice Phillippine name...

You : What is your name?

New Friend : Nakrooz Fou

You : OK, how do you spell that?

New Friend : That's N-A-K-R-O-O-Z

You : (Speechless...) I have a friend, her name is Wangari Maathai I'll introduce her to you. (world renowned environmentalist who just died.)  

You : Hi Lenglui, what is your name?

New Friend : Renesial Leong

You : (Quietly... Siao chabo... I'm sure the Malays will ask why sial...)
(Renesial is Andrew Chia's most respected property investment guru.)

You : Lenglui, what's your name

New Friend : Theresa Ng

You : Let me write that down, That's T-E-R-E-S-A, right?

New Friend : No! It's T-H-E-R-E-S-A

You : Mother Teresa, help me!

You : What's your name?

New Friend : Whygers Lim

You : OK, you don't need to explain...

You : Hi, what's your name?

New Friend : Xueer Gan

You : You must be Whyger's friend. Excuse me, I'm going back to my planet...

You : Lenglui, what's your name?

New Friend : Ynshxien Goh

You : Come again? Ok, never mind. I know your two friends...
New Friend:  Oh, you don't know nothing.  I have more friends... Allem Kiong, Apel Woo, Collaborate John, Frankleen Ong, Ginp Luu, Jenice Lee, Jonick, Kylee Wang, just to name a few... I'll introduce them to you one by one when you are free.
You:  Thank you, I'm busy producing my new film Jurassic Park, The Beginning.

Jet Li is Fahai in his latest movie. Shall I say more?  And yes, my friend's shop selling baju on the 3rd floor of Times Square is Lacroix.  Yes, WTF, you would say; we are already struggling with English and here comes the French...


Talking about French, guys, the place behind Sunway Pyramid, South Quay, is pronounced South Key and not South Kuih, ok?  Niamahkahai, you would say, fucking developer trying to play high class, giving problems to people who don't go to school like me.  Tiu..........